to augment my income, i spend several months each year traveling the country & conducting seminars.  during the course of these events,  i refute the wickedness of modern life and  admonish attendees to adopt and practice good moral behavior.

for a number of years, i've been accompanied by my assistant to whom i'll refer by his initials:  k.r.  a  quiet man with a good heart who'd suffered an unfortunate accident in his youth from which he never completely recovered, k.r. was an ideal assistant. he was required merely to appear with me on the stage, sittubg on a stool the entire time and staring vacantly out into the distance. 

that blank gaze, combined with spells of  uncontrollable drooling to which he was subject, enabled me to utilize him as the perfect cautionary example of the moral and physical damage one risks by induldging oneself in the compulsion to masturbate.

last week, poor k.r. passed away without warning.

i am, therefore, in need of a suitable replacement.  

after reviewing the articles and comments several of you have recently posted, i realized this was the perfect location to recruit k.r.'s  successor.   no resume is needed; your written work clearly indicates your qualifications.

i'll contact my top choice directly.  should he or she decline the offer, i'll contact the next person on the list...in complete confidence, naturally